Lube Me Up With Butter And Call Me Happy

At the risk of sounding like I am advocating some "Last Tango in Paris" action, I'd like to talk about butter today. And not just butter...I want to talk about FAT.

Let's get real here for a moment, friends:

FAT. TASTES. GOOD.

There, I said it. And you know what? Fat tastes better than bullshit stuff with no fat baked into its pathetic, cardboard-like, texturally-challenged crust. Hand me a full-fat croissant any day over some dry yet sticky Starbucks fat-free "pastry" (I do have some interest in keeping things "healthy", so I always hope the fat-free pastry will taste good. It never does.) I'll do the extra hours in the gym (and I hate the gym) because life is too short to eat shitty imitations of real food.

However, my incurable optimism recently got the better of me, and lead me on a foray into the Trader Joe's packaged baking mix aisle where I bought the Tri-Berry Bran Muffin mix. Upon my arrival home, I added the requisite two eggs and a cup of water. That's it. No additional fat (no vegetable oil, no butter, no yogurt, no sour cream...nada.) I added some sliced almonds and brown sugar on top, sensing that these bran muffins were already too healthy for my taste. But even a liberal sprinkling of almonds and brown sugar could not improve the Tri-Berry Bran Muffin (which was also regrettably short on berries.) Nothing could compensate for the fact that it has little to no fat in it. And I'm sorry, fat tastes good. Anorexic LA starlets who haven't eaten any fat in 10 years will TRY to tell you that fat-free cookies taste good. Or that sprinkling their non-fat sugar-free fro-yo with torn up bits of chocolate Zone bar is "just like having a sundae"...but let's keep it real--those bitches haven't eaten enough to keep their brains functioning. Call me jaded, but I eat enough for my brain to know a delusional (and hungry) actress when I see one.

EAT FAT, PEOPLE. It tastes fucking good, it feeds your brain, it gives you nice boobs. Then go out and run, or do yoga, or speed-walk around the Westfield Mall in Sherman Oaks (it's air-conditioned.) But don't eat shit because you think you should. Life is too damn short.

Mangia!