Beware Men Who Don't Eat Their Vegetables (And Other Tales of Woe)

I was recently thinking about this man I used to date in New York City...though upon thinking about him, it also crossed my mind that "man" is an overly strong word for him. I think I may use "man-child" instead. Let's call him Chazz (because we can.) Chazz is a charismatic, ambitious guy who could charm the pants off an emu. He is certainly attractive enough (blue eyes, big...um...smile...) but he has this totally odd way of speaking. A native of rural Maine, he had somehow decided to adopt an urban kind of "street" way of speaking sometime around college. This earned him the mockery of many an acquaintance, but I somehow managed to overlook this for the year and a half that we dated (blinded, perhaps, by his nice...um...smile. The Penis Power lady from youtube would say I had "semen in the brain" which, let's be honest, I probably did.) In addition to blatantly stealing another culture's way of speaking, Chazz was also a cheater and a liar and generally a selfish kind of guy. He was no "forever kinda lover", as I like to say. But what bothered me the most about Chazz was his palate. Amongst other things, he refused to eat vegetables (keep in mind he's in his mid-thirties). Talking to him about food was like talking to a seven-year-old. Hence, the moniker "man-child".


So the obvious question is...what do you cook for a man-child? He doesn't eat vegetables aside from tomatoes (and aren't they technically a fruit, anyway?) Ever. He is very, very picky. Once, when he was sick (which was often, probably because he didn't get enough vitamins from his diet of pepperoni pizza and cereal) I kindly offered to make him a pot of matzo ball soup. He was so freaked out by that idea that he actually said "xnay on the atzoballmay." I mean, he couldn't even respond in standard American English, he had to use PIG LATIN. But that's not even the point...


The point is, what do you cook when you're trying to seduce a super picky eater? (Why you want to seduce someone who won't eat vegetables is a whole other story, and I gently but firmly urge you to examine that closely before you go to the trouble of cooking dinner, but you're all adults, so I'm letting you make your own decisions on that one.)


And here's the answer: you cook white foods. You cook a white pasta with red sauce (not whole wheat or multi-grain). And you pick up a fresh baguette as well-the least offensive food on the planet. You can also make a caprese salad with some mozzarella, tomatoes, and basil, but I would highly suggest that you double check to make sure he will eat the basil (it is green, after all.) I actually offered some truffle oil for dipping with the baguette, which now, since Trader Joes' no longer carries it (used to be a bargain at $8.99 a bottle...those were the days...) I kind of regret. And the ensuing conversation topic was how he doesn't eat mushrooms, ever...but actually, he was kind of into the truffle oil (go figure.)

So that was what I fed Chazz, the super-selfish picky eater. In retrospect, I perhaps should have examined his aversion to vegetables more closely. I think it represents a fundamental lack of maturity which encompassed many of his other characteristics...and my advice to you is, if you are confronted with a Chazz, look long and hard before you whip out your stockpot and start the water boiling. Because frankly, you may be better off pouring yourself a nice Chianti, making yourself a little homemade Caesar salad and settling in with a good volume of erotica. At least you won't end up with dirty dishes, and a liar in your bed.